Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
You Might Also Like
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Dolls on drugs
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.