[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive