I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me, reading some of your tweets
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
#DesignFail
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
listen closely
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Mad Max: Furry Road
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely