My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
this is the best day of my life
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
new year update: losing everything but weight
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes