I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
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They’re not wrong
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl