slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.