Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
You Might Also Like
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Happy Caturday!
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.