“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
why am I working on Labor Day
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.