My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
You Might Also Like
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I can’t wait!
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.