Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
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Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
#Caturday
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely