If only
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I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.