“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
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Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Krampus.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.