Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
You Might Also Like
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.