One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance đź‘Ť
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
File under excellent bookstore names.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Tremendous stuff
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.