3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
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The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.