One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating