I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
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Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.