MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.