Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids