Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with