Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.