I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
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It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time