You Might Also Like
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “