God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.