Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
good for her
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶