I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
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So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?