Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
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My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster