I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
You Might Also Like
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name