Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
There’s only one good girl here!
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
We need to put an American base on the sun
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.