God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*