Who needs an Air Fryer?
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
This line from Airplane.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.