Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
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When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
There is no try. There is only give up.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human