“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
A short story about romance.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.