Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
You Might Also Like
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
The smoothest fall of all time
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?