I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“You’d better run, egg!”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.