Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile