Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.