Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
2 years later
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??