BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
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me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting