A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
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*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.