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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.