Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
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This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.