My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
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The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
All excellent questions
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
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4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”