A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”