What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.