Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”