Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Go hard or stay average
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do