just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Order here:
More here:
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Good morning!
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”