You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
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Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Challenge accepted.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”