losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
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I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
How it started How it’s going
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve